


The Vampire's Garden

by Ben Barrett (BenBarrett), NaphtalisInk



Category: South Park
Genre: F/M, M/M, teen mother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-18
Updated: 2014-05-18
Packaged: 2018-01-25 14:42:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1652363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BenBarrett/pseuds/Ben%20Barrett, https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaphtalisInk/pseuds/NaphtalisInk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kenny McCormick is a selfish playboy who lives life with no strings, no friends, and no worries, until he's confronted with the ramifications of living a life with no connections. Oneshot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Vampire's Garden

**The Vampire's Garden  
** by Gravity Productions

 _It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being._  -John Joseph Powell, "The Secret of Staying in Love"

Kenny liked the ladies. He liked them a lot. In fact, Kenny had seduced just about every girl in South Park, including Cartman's mom. Cartman had never quite forgiven him for this, and looked for ways to make him suffer for it every chance he got. Cartman hated the idea of a boywhore like Kenny on top of his mom, pumping and sweating and moaning. It made him want to kill him, but that wouldn't do any good since the stupid asshole would just come back. He had to get back at him in other ways.

Today, Cartman had come up with the perfect plan to do this. Kenny had always been sweet on Stan's once-and-future ex-girlfriend Wendy, even though everyone else thought she was the biggest cunt on the fucking planet. Kenny didn't care though. He viewed it as his ultimate challenge. Even though she was a feminist, and an opinionated, loudmouth bitch, he wanted to bed her. Cartman intended to use this to his advantage.

"Kenny," he said, strolling up to him as he was standing by his locker. The inside door was covered with photos of girls he'd banged. He called it his "Wall of Lay." Fucking douche.

"What the fuck do you want, Cartman?" Kenny asked. "I thought I told you not to come around me anymore since you put dog shit in my refried beans and made me die of E. Coli."

"Kenneth, I admit that was going a little too far. I have learned from my mistakes. Shouldn't we try to put the past behind us?" Cartman said, batting his eyelashes.

"Rule Number One," Kenny said, slamming his locker closed, "is never trust Cartman when Cartman wants you to trust him. You'll almost always end up eating your parents or something."

Cartman grinned. "Yeah, that was a riot."

"Glad you take such joy in making your half-brother suffer," Kenny replied, frowning at him. "Your delight in the suffering of others knows no bounds. You are without a doubt the foulest human being I've ever met."

Cartman rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry I killed you with a terrible disease," he said in that bored, not-even-remotely apologetic voice. "Kenny, we were best friends once. Can't you just let it go? I just wanted to propose a little challenge to you anyway. If you win, I'll do anything you want."

"Anything I want, huh?" Kenny asked. "Okay, here's your end of whatever deal you're making: if I win, you have to kiss Kyle. And you're not just going to give him a little peck. I want to see tongue action."

Cartman shuddered at the thought, but quickly adopted a cocky attitude. "That would blow, I admit, but considering he's already sucked my balls he'd probably be more than willing."

Kenny didn't feel like arguing the point with him. Cartman was well aware that Kyle actually hadn't sucked his balls, but an imaginary version of him had sucked off an imaginary version of… oh hell, it didn't matter. Cartman would just find some stupid way to drag it into a long conversation about how he'd somehow felt Jewspit on his scrotum for weeks afterward, which he didn't want to hear about ever again.

"So what's this bet?" Kenny asked. "I hope it's not something stupid."

Cartman smiled. "Oh, you'll like this one Kenny." They'd been going back and forth with bets for years, and were about even on wins and losses. Now was certainly the time to score another point. "Bang Wendy. If you can do that, I'll kiss Jew boy. If not...you have to seduce whoever  _I_ choose."

"As much as I'd love to conquer that mountain after all these years," Kenny said, "there's a problem. She's what we call Stan's Once-and-Future ex-girlfriend. Emphasis on the  _Once_  at this point, as they're still together, although that could change any moment. Don't think he's gonna take that too well."

Cartman laughed. "Oh, dude, you're way behind! They broke up this morning! And after this one, there's no way they're  _ever_ getting back together."

"What happened?"

"Wendy caught Stan making out with Butters," Cartman said with a chuckle. "What a  _fag._ I mean, even if Stan's a flamer, Butters is about as low on the totem pole as you can  _go."_

What nobody knew yet was that Cartman had convinced Butters that Stan was in love with him, but wouldn't go out with him unless he took initiative. It really had been one of his more brilliant schemes, and it was made even better by Wendy slapping both of them and running off crying. It got that much sweeter when Stan told Butters that he in fact  _had_ been waiting for it. Cartman certainly hadn't expected it, but it was the best material he'd ever gotten on Stan. He could use that one against him for eternity.

"Butters?" Kenny said, incredulous. "Forgive me if I don't take you at your word on that. I find it hard to believe that Stan would ever even  _talk_ to Butters, much less kiss him."

At that point, two girls walked down the hallway, giggling and talking about how they'd heard that Stan and Butters had been slipping each other the tongue behind the bleachers.

"Holy shit!" Kenny cried.

"Yes, holy shit indeed," Cartman said. He held up his phone. "I happened to be walking by and it was so sweet I had to take a picture." The photograph in question showed Stan bent backward in Butters' embrace, face red and eyes half lidded with pleasure. The school's quarterback swooning over the most notorious fairy in South Park.

"In that case, tell me where Wendy is," Kenny said with a shit-eating grin. "I'll bet she's  _so vulnerable_ right now."

"Here's the condition Kenny. You have three days. You're the vampire after all. Since it usually takes you an hour, I would think that would be more than adequate for you to work your magic. She's crying in the debate room right now. Go get her  _Edward."_

"I will," Kenny said, taking a look in his wallet to make sure his condom was still there. "But if you call me Edward again, I'm gonna kick your fucking teeth down your throat."

With that, he walked off toward the debate room, wondering how much Stan had stretched Wendy's pussy. He stopped by the bathroom to make sure there was no dirt on his face, (He was  _dirt_ poor after all) and that his hair was at least in an acceptable state. He took a small canister of mouth spray from his pocket and gave himself a squirt, then smiled. He was ready. Let the games begin.

He walked to the debate room and put his ear to the door. He could hear someone sniffling inside and someone else trying to comfort them. He wasn't keen on the idea of  _whoever it was_  being there, but he wasn't opposed to bedding two chicks at once. It could happen.

He knocked on the door, just to be polite.

It was Bebe who answered. She blushed when she saw him, and then slammed the door in his face. "You still owe me child support asshole!" she yelled. "Get the hell out of here!"

"Come on, Bebe!" he called back. "It's not like you ever went and got the paternity test I asked for. Besides, the kid looks nothing like me. Would you please let me in? I'm here to see Wendy anyway."

She opened the door. "He's got  _your_ hair,  _your_ eyes, and he  _dies_ and comes back to life. Who else's kid could it fucking be?" she spat. "You don't need to be anywhere near Wendy."

A crowd was beginning to form around Kenny, and that was not good. He was not happy about this becoming a scene, and he was even more dismayed when he looked over and saw Cartman standing in the crowd, trying to look inconspicuous. Asswipe.

"Whatever happened between you and me needs to stay between  _us_ , Bebe," he said. "There's a fucking crowd out here."

She frowned.

"Oh I know. And if you don't start visiting Kenny Junior, the whole school is gonna know you're as much of a worthless deadbeat as your own dad. He's two years old, Kenny, and he doesn't know his daddy. That's not fair to him or to me," she whispered, deadly serious. "I loved you Kenny. But you're just a fucking vampire."

"Don't. Call me. A vampire," Kenny hissed, his voice as low as hers. "I fucking hate that shit. I do  _not_ fucking sparkle, do you understand? Just let me in and we'll sit down and talk about all of this."

Someone in the crowd yelled for Kenny to take Bebe for a second round, and he turned and shot them a look that could have melted steel. The voice in question belonged to Red, another girl whose heart Kenny had smashed into pieces. "I mean, after all, that's all you're good for, right? Take her for another ride. Take me again, and Rebecca, and Porsche, and Milly too. You no good vampire. Nobody likes a manwhore. Why don't you just fucking kill yourself!"

Kenny rolled his eyes and replied in a bored tone: "Because, Red, if I did that, I'd just be back tomorrow. Or have you forgotten? And the next person who calls me a fucking vampire will find out what it feels like to have their throat ripped out by one."

Token stepped forward. "You threatening my girlfriend? All right, have a go,  _vampire._ I'll mop the floor with you right here."

Kenny looked at the crowd. Many of the faces he saw were against him, and many of them were looking at him like they hated him. Cartman, on the other hand, looked delighted at how things were progressing. Kenny was surprised he hadn't stepped forward to egg on a race war or something.

Right on cue, Cartman called out, "RACE WAR! RACE WAR EVERYBODY! YOU GUYS! RACE WAR!"

Kenny wanted to throw him in front of a bus. Instead, he just looked at Token with that same bored expression.

"Fuck off, LeBron," he said. "I'm not fighting you."

"Good. You'd lose," Token replied. "I don't know if you've ever stopped to think about how many people you've hurt, Kenny, but the only friends you have are that fatass nazi, and Stan, although God knows why he puts up with you. Even Kyle can't stand you anymore. Or have you forgotten that you even broke his heart?"

Kenny ignored him. He didn't want to talk about Kyle or his fucking emotional baggage. He turned back to Bebe with a scowl. "This isn't over," he said. "Not by a long shot."

"You're right," she said. "And it won't be until you start taking care of your son." With that, she slammed the door in his face and locked it. She then dropped the shutters.

* * *

After school that day, Kenny tried again. He waited outside the school until he saw Wendy step out the front door, then he casually jogged up to her as if they were old friends.

"Hey, Wends," he said, flashing her his most dazzling smile. "What's shakin'?"

"Oh God," she said, pinching the bridge of her nose, a habit she'd picked up from years of dating Stan. She simply kept walking.

"God, huh?" Kenny replied with a smirk. "I know I'm awesome, but I'm not God  _per se_."

She turned on him and gave him a look that could kill. "Drop dead for good,  _please_ , you egotistical little  _failure._ "

"Come on, Wendy," he said. "I'm just trying to be friends."

He looked back over his shoulder and saw Cartman following them from a distance, dressed in a private dick outfit. He was trying not to be obvious, but when you dress like Sherlock Holmes, you're pretty much guaranteed to draw the stares of everyone who sees you. Kenny ignored him.

Wendy looked back as well. "Er...why is Cartman following us? And why is he dressed like Detective Douchebag?"

"Oh, he's probably looking to take a picture of us or something," Kenny replied. "Something he can use to blackmail us. You know how his nasty mind works."

"Right," she said irritably. "Sorry Ken, I'm not going to have sex with you. Ever."

Kenny tried to act shocked and offended.

"I...I don't know what you mean," he said. "I was just trying to be a comforting friend. I know how much it must have  _hurt_  to see Stan with Butters. I mean, you  _lost your boyfri_ e _nd_  to  _Butters_  of all people. Figured that had to sting pretty bad, so I thought I'd try and help you out."

"I'm a virgin, Kenny. And I'm going to stay that way until  _I_ want to have sex. And I'd very much appreciate it if you wouldn't bring those two up around me. Ever again."

"Sorry," he said. "Of course you want to keep your hymen intact. Why, that's really virtuous and moral of you. Kind of gives the other girls a role model to follow."

He was laying it on thick and he knew it, but fuck it. He was Kenny. He'd win her over. If one strategy didn't work, he'd switch to another. He actually had a notebook full of strategies hidden under his mattress at his house, which he had long since memorized, full of ways to seduce a woman. He called this the "Layman's Guide To Getting Laid." He was even debating publishing it as a neat little ebook. He could always use the extra cash.

"It's not even a moral issue, Kenny. It's a love issue. And I don't love you. I loved Stan, but that's never going to happen. I have nobody that I even remotely want to be with anymore."

"I never even said I wanted to sleep with you," Kenny said. "If you don't want to have sex with anyone, I can totally respect that. I was just trying to be your friend anyway. No fooling around. I thought you could use a friend right now."

"Bebe's my friend. You, not so much. You're not trying to be my friend, you've never been  _friends_ with a girl. I'm one of maybe six girls in the school you haven't bedded, and it's going to stay that way. Even if I did like you, which I don't, I would never hurt Bebe like that. She still loves you, even if she's nasty to you." She pulled a picture out of her purse and handed it to him. It was a two year old boy, smiling and laughing, in nothing but a diaper. "He's cute. I really think you'd love him."

Kenny couldn't deny that the kid looked like him. Hell, he fucking  _knew_ the kid was his. Bebe had never slept with anyone  _but_ him, before or since, so barring a miraculous virgin conception on par with Jesus of Nazareth (or Anakin Skywalker, if you like), it was pretty much a no brainer. The boy was his.

"He is cute," Kenny said with a smile. "Really, really cute. Is he talking yet?"

"Yep. She taught him how to say daddy first. I guess she's still got some delusion of you two settling down and raising him together," she said rolling her eyes. "As much as I wish that would happen, for her sake, I know that's not you. You're not the type to settle down. I don't hate you Kenny, not at all. I think you can be a good guy in some ways. That's the reason I never adopted that stupid nickname for you. You're just not a good boyfriend, or a good father."

Kenny kept staring at the picture. He had never actually seen a picture of the boy before. Bebe had tried to show him one once, and had tried to invite him to the hospital the night he was born, but he had refused all of this. Now confronted with the child that he could not in good conscience deny was his, he was conflicted. What to do?

"I just…" he stuttered. "I mean… Can I keep this picture?"

"Sure," Wendy said. "That was him last week at his second birthday party. I have a whole set of them."

He put the picture in his wallet and looked down at his shoes. He no longer felt horny or manly. In fact, he didn't feel like bedding anyone. A picture of your fucking kid will do that to you. Damn it.

"I have to go," he said. "Thanks for the picture. I hope things get better for you."

Wendy smiled. "Thanks Kenny. I know you'll do the right thing." She had known that showing him the picture would not only get him off her back, but force him to confront something he had pretended for the past two years hadn't existed. She felt that she had done her duty, and looked damn fine doing it.

Kenny walked back toward the school, to where Cartman was standing. He stopped and glared at him. Cartman pretended to be someone else, but Kenny just reached out and knocked the hat off his head.

"That's fucking stupid," he said. "You couldn't come up with a better disguise than that? Where's the fucking pipe, Sherlock?"

"It's not stupid Kinny, I'm fucking ingognito brah!" Cartman said.

"First of all," Kenny sighed, "it's  _incognito_ , and no you're not. Second of all, the fucking deal is off. I'm not doing it."

Cartman scowled. "You can't fucking renege you black asshole! That's cheating!"

"What the fuck ever," Kenny said. "I'm not gonna chase Wendy down and hump her fucking leg like a puppy or something. Deal's off."

"So you admit your loss?" Cartman asked. "You still gotta hold up your end of the bargain."

"Dude," came the reply, "what will it take to get you off my back? I've got fifty bucks to my name. It's yours if you'll just walk away and leave me alone. I don't feel much like seducing anyone right now. I've got a lot to think about."

"Oh, no no no, my dear Kenny. Money isn't everything you see. I can see you're too limp dicked right now to hold up your end of the bargain, but I'm going to do you a favor. I'll give you one week to clear your head. After that though, if you don't hold up your end, there will be dire consequences."

"What could you possibly do to me?" Kenny asked. "You obviously can't kill me, and you can't ruin my reputation because everyone hates me anyway. You've got nothing on me."

"Oh but I do. I can't kill you, because you're fully immortal, but my buddy Cthulhu can kill half immortals. Like your little bundle of joy, for instance."

Kenny felt an intense rage suddenly flood over him. This son of a bitch was talking about attacking a two-year old child with a mythical demon god. Kenny wished he could get away with killing him right where he stood, but of course, he could not. There were consequences for that.

"Cartman, get the fuck away from me before I do something we'll both regret," he said. "I'm not even fucking joking. Get. The. Fuck."

Cartman smiled. "You have one week to make contact with the target. Just so you know, you'll be seducing Firkle. I assume you remember him. Ciao."

Cartman bellowed an evil laugh, and lightning simultaneously struck overhead. With that, he took his leave.

If Kenny hadn't liked Cartman before, he really hated him now. He had basically told him if he didn't have sex with Firkle, he would kill his bastard child. Shit. If anyone deserved to be wiped from existence and never mentioned again, it was Cartman. Cartman made Hitler look like a Sunday School teacher.

He took out his cell phone. It was a shitty little budget phone, one of those numbers they send you if your family is on food stamps, and looked through his contacts. He needed to talk to someone about what was going on. Problem was, Token had been right. He had no friends. No one liked him except for Stan.

He hit Stan's number and waited as it rang once, twice, three times. Then it went to voice mail.

"Hi, you've reached Stan Marsh, please leave a message after the beep. Later."

He didn't want to leave some stupid message. He hung up and looked through his contacts again. Bebe (fuck to the no), Red (not in this lifetime), Butters (for some reason), Stan and Kyle. The rest were people he didn't care enough about to remember. He hovered over Kyle's number for over a minute, debating whether to call or not. He didn't have a lot of other options. But would Kyle even want to talk to him?

He hit the CALL button and waited.

Three rings later, a voice came on the phone. It sounded sad and drained. "Hey...it's been a while. Three months?"

"Something like that," Kenny said, sitting down on the school steps. A group of girls came out and stopped and looked at him. They giggled and began whispering amongst themselves as they walked away. Among the things he was sure he heard them say were "boyslut" and "deadbeat dad" and "vampire". He ground his teeth in frustration, then stopped when he realized that Edward often ground his teeth in frustration.

"You still there?" Kyle asked, sounding completely lifeless.

"Yeah, I'm here," he said. "Listen, I know things didn't end well between us…"

"You could call that an understatement. You laughed, said you didn't like guys, pretended it was no big deal, and walked away."

"I'll admit, I was wrong for that," Kenny told him."I shouldn't have been such an ass to you."

"Is that an apology? You never apologize. What are you calling about?" Kyle asked.

Kyle stared at his phone for a long time, eyes dripping wet as he looked at the last picture Kenny and he had ever taken together. They had been by Stark's Pond, clowning around, and Kyle had laid his head on Kenny's shoulder and snapped the picture. He had smelled like cigarettes, but Kyle had loved it. That was the day he had confessed to him.

"Yes, it's an apology, Kyle. Listen, would you be willing to meet me somewhere? Can we maybe get some coffee or something? There's some stuff I need to tell you about. It involves Cartman. I know you and I aren't on the best of terms right now, but you've dealt with a lot of his shit, and…"

Kenny trailed off, not knowing how to end it. Honestly, Kyle had every right to hang up on him. Kenny had ripped out his heart and pissed on it, and now he was calling and asking for help. Even in his own mind, Kenny thought he was a douche.

"Kenny...I…" Kyle said, trailing off as well. "I love you so damn much it hurts. You left a hole in me. But I still love you, and I'm not going to leave you on your own anymore. I thought that never speaking to you again would teach you the pain that you caused me. But I realized…I don't want to hurt you. Where are you? I'll stop by and pick you up."

Kenny smiled. It seemed he had at least one other friend left.

* * *

Kenny and Kyle were sitting in Tweek Bros Coffee, sipping sludge that tasted like it had come out of a sewage ditch. Kenny hated coming here, but the Tweaks were good people who didn't get nosey and didn't ask too many questions. Plus, they hardly had any customers this time of day. He'd filled Kyle in on the whole situation, not leaving out anything, not even the bet he'd made with Cartman.

Kyle sipped at his coffee with a slightly pained expression on his face. "Kenny, this is a really bad situation. Cartman can't be reasoned with. He's an asshole, but you know that if he summons Cthulhu, all he'll have to do is act like a kitten and curl up on his back and it'll be all over. We need to be smart about how we handle this."

"I don't want to have sex with Firkle," Kenny said, crossing his arms and glaring down at the table top. "He's fourteen. And a guy. Not exactly a good combination."

"And he tried to knife you. That's not exactly the most romantic thing in the world. Unless you're a fucking sadist like Cartman. I don't want you to have sex with Firkle either," he said softly. "But I can't see a way out of it. Is there any way you can think of to trick Cartman into thinking you two did it? He'd probably find a way to plant cameras or something to make sure."

Kenny and Kyle were so involved in their own little conversation that they did not see the Goths sitting in a dark corner of the place. And sound carries in a place like that. Within seconds of hearing this, Pete was on the phone with Firkle, telling him everything. Firkle told him to keep an eye on them. He was coming, and he was bringing his knife.

Pete looked at Michael. They knew they had to keep them in the place. The best way to do that? Act like they had something to say to them. They walked over to their table, taking them by surprise.

"Hey, posers," Michael said. "Seen any Disney movies lately?"

Kenny knew something was up, though. They'd just been talking about Firkle, and now these guys show up? No way that was coincidence.

"Things just got more complicated, I think," he said.

Kyle got up out of his seat, and got between Kenny and Michael. "What the hell do you want, Hot Topic?"

"Fuck you, conformist," Michael said, looking at him as if he were an insect he'd just squished beneath his boot. "I only went into Hot Topic that one time. Besides, when was the last time you did something that wasn't what this fucking automaton society expected of you?"

Kyle just rolled his eyes. "I'll ask you again. What do you want? I'm really not in the mood for your shit."

Michael was about to say something Goth, but Kenny cut him off.

"Let's just cut to the chase, okay?" he said. "How much of our conversation did you overhear?"

"Enough," Pete said, flipping his hair out of his eyes. "Enough to know you're a fucking dead man if you try to add Firkle to your stupid glory wall inside your locker."

"Pete, don't fucking test me," Kyle warned, getting right up in his face. "You lay a hand on Kenny, you'll finally get to be in one of those coffins you probably fantasize about fucking Michael in."

Pete's phone rang again. He took a step back from Kyle to look at it. Firkle's face was on the display. He answered it.

"Don't let them leave. I'm about two minutes away. Do whatever you want to the Jew boy, but McCormick is mine."

"We've got it, Firkle, Jesus," Pete said. "They're not going anywhere."

"The hell we're not," Kyle spat, shoving Pete hard back into a table. His phone went flying out of his hand and slid under the counter.

Tweek came out from the back room and freaked out. "OH MY GOD! JESUS! GAH! TOO MUCH PRESSURE! GAH!" He promptly ran back inside, locked the door, and poured himself a giant mug of coffee.

"I think it's time we got the fuck out of here," Kenny said, looking at Pete in the remains of the broken table. He grabbed Kyle by the hand. "Come on, before something else happens. I'd hate to have to break out my pink bow and arrows."

Just as they were about to leave, the doors flew open, and a small teen in all black entered. "Hello boys," Firkle said. "I see we're all getting along well."

"Take it easy, boy," Kenny said. "You might be able to get that knife in me, but I'll just come back, and when I do, I am going to be seriously pissed. Best to just let us go in peace, man."

Firkle laughed softly. "I'm not worried about you being pissed. Not even a little." He walked right up to him, grabbed him by his jacket, and pulled him forcefully down to his level, kissing him roughly on the lips.

Kenny was shocked and tried to pull away, but the little shit had a grip like steel. Son of a bitch.

"I did not see that coming," Pete said.

"I don't know if I could call that hardcore Goth," Michael said, "but it's still fucking awesome."

"...Dude," Kyle said, dumbstruck.

Firkle bit Kenny's lip, and drew blood, before he let him go and watched him fall backward onto the table. "You taste so good," he breathed. "Looks like the vampire finally got bit."

"What fuckery is this?" Kenny asked. "You come in here holding a knife, then you kiss me? What in the blue fuck?"

Firkle's laugh was eerie, like the bells of church long deserted. "So I hear you want to fuck me." he said, ignoring Kenny's question.

"Oh wow," Kenny replied. "I don't know which Coconut Telegraph you've got your ear on, but they've got that story all fucked up. I mean, twisted in about a thousand different ways."

Firkle shrugged. "That's too bad."

"Why?" Kenny asked, raising an eyebrow.

Firkle laughed again. "I've been wondering when Cartman would play a game like this."

"Yeah," Pete said. "We've been pretty much expecting him to pull something stupid on us for a long time. We were actually wondering what was taking him so long. He's been a dick to pretty much everyone else in town."

"From what I gather, Cartman's thinking that this is going to be some kind of painful experience for me. Thinks it'll screw with me, after I slashed that Nazi bastard's tires. Little does he know I've been hoping for something like this for a long time."

So now all of the pieces were in place and Kenny could see the picture for what it really was. Cartman had never intended for him to successfully bed Wendy. He'd known that was futile from the beginning. He'd used Kenny like some kind of pawn on a chessboard, intending to make him his tool for getting back at the Goths. He'd been duped into this whole thing, and he'd fallen for it. He turned to Kyle.

"I think I have an idea," he said. "I've got a way to flip this whole thing around on Cartman and make him eat this shit."

Kyle smirked. "Sounds like a good time. I'm in."

"Oh, I don't think you're going to want to be a part of this one," Kenny said. "Honestly, I don't."

Kyle frowned. "What are you going to do, Kenny?"

"I'm going to fuck Firkle," Kenny said.

"Come again?" Michael asked.

"I'm going to fuck him and he's going to enjoy it," Kenny said, "and that will pretty much destroy Cartman's plans for making Firkle a damaged little boy. Plus, it'll get me out of the deal with him. Firkle will be so ecstatic that Cartman's plans will blow up in his face and his cold black heart will break."

Kyle looked down at the floor, not saying anything. He sighed, turned, and began to walk away. He still didn't care. After all, Kyle was only a tool to be used when Kenny needed him. And he had accepted that role. Now he had to pay the price, take the pain, and watch the love of his life screw some fourteen year old Satanist with severe daddy issues.

"Later, Kenny."

"Wait a minute, Kyle," Kenny said, pursuing him. He looked back at the Goths and said, "Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back."

When he caught up with Kyle, he took him by the shoulders and looked into his eyes. They were very sad.

"Please don't do this," Kenny said. "This is why I didn't want you involved. This isn't anything personal, okay? It's just the simplest solution to a big problem. It's not like it's going to mean Firkle and I are going to fucking get married or something. It's just… I'm not trying to hurt you again."

Kyle growled, and grabbed Kenny by the jacket, pulling him into a forced kiss for the second time that day.

This time, Kenny didn't try to fight out of it. He found it awkward to say the least, but Kyle needed this more than he did. Rather than try to break away or do something that would hurt Kyle's feelings, he decided to just bear it and wait for it to be over.

Kyle pulled away, touching their noses together. "I wish I could quit loving you."

"Don't," Kenny whispered. "You're the only person in the world who  _does_ love me right now. Everyone else has turned their backs on me. I need you, Kyle."

Kyle kissed him again, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him as close as he could. There wasn't a single inch of them that remained separate. When he pulled away again, his lips curled into a sad frown, "But I know that you can never love me back. After all...you're just a vampire," he said, and with that, he turned and walked away. As he did so, he deleted Kenny's name from his contacts, fully intent on never allowing himself to be sucked back into Kenny's web again.

"Kyle!" Kenny cried. "Please don't go!"

Kyle stopped. His whole body was quivering, and he sank to his knees and began to cry.

Kenny chewed his bottom lip, and he could taste Kyle's Chapstick. At first, he was grossed out, but as he began to really think about it, he realized that the kiss really hadn't been all that different from kissing a girl. He had made kissing a guy out to be something nasty and unpleasant in his mind, but he found his thoughts beginning to stray. Kyle had been warm, and his eyes had been pleading. He had been absolutely serious. And Kenny was supposed to be one of his best friends. He hadn't been acting like it for the past few months. In fact, he was beginning to think that he was overemphasizing gender to the point where he was going to ruin one of the best friendships he'd ever had. As he thought about all of these things, he found himself replaying the kiss from a different angle, and realized that it  _honestly_ hadn't been different at all. If anything he was beginning to think it had been better.

Kenny didn't know what the fuck was going on with him. This morning he'd been a muff-chasing player that loved no one and used and abused everyone and everything he'd ever touched. He'd even told Kyle those three months ago (or was it four?) that he didn't like guys, and he didn't think he did. But Kyle… Kyle had always been so special to him. Kyle had always cared about him more than anyone else he knew. He had a connection with Kyle, and now that they'd shared a kiss… he had never felt that with anyone else he'd kissed. Did he really want to let go of that connection over something so trivial?

_Fuck this._

He ran to Kyle.

"Kyle, wait!" he cried. "Kyle!"

He knelt down on the sidewalk in front of him and cupped his tear-soaked face in his hands. He slowly brought him back to his feet.

"Kyle…I..."

"LOOK OUT!" Firkle yelled from the door of the coffee shop. A car was had jumped the curb and was barrelling through the parking lot at high speed, out of control, directly toward Kyle.

Kenny didn't think twice. He pushed Kyle out of the way just seconds before it would have hit him and took the hit himself. The first thing that happened was the impact of the car snapped both his legs and sent him flying into the windshield, which shattered under his body weight. As soon as the car slammed on the brakes, he rolled down the hood and onto the sidewalk, where he lay in a bloody heap. God, he fucking hurt. No matter how many times he went through this, he still fucking hated it. At least this time he'd done it for someone he loved. Maybe that would gain him some redemption. Maybe this time he wouldn't wind up in hell.

A figure from his past appeared in front of him. A nine year old in gray tights, with his underwear over his pants and a question mark on his head. Mysterion. "It's been a long time, Kenny." They were floating in a field of white space, nothing around them in any direction. This was neither heaven nor hell, but a place of pure emptiness and solitude. "This place is where you'll be when you finally die for good."

"Seriously?" Kenny said, looking around. "I'm gonna spend eternity  _here_? I mean, I can appreciate minimalism, but come on. I mean, some curtains would be nice."

"Don't make wisecracks asshole. This is what your own heart looks like," Mysterion growled.

"I… That's not true," Kenny replied, trying to get some kind of control over himself. He was trying to position himself so that he at least looked like he was standing. His efforts only caused him to go into a ridiculous barrel roll. "Oh, this is fucking grand."

"Yeah, do a barrel roll asshole."

"I'm not trying to do a barrel roll, you fuck," Kenny shot back. "I just can't FUCKING STOP! How do you control this shit?"

Mysterion held out his hand and a pulse of energy straightened him out, so that he was floating right side up. "This place is what happens to hedonists like you. This is the state of your own life, Kenny. You learned to shut everybody who loved you out, you became an animal driven by lust and you didn't care how many people you hurt. You impregnated a girl who truly loved you, and left her alone. You broke your best friend's heart. Cartman? He's an asshole, and he's going straight to hell. But you? You have nothing within yourself to conjure up a heaven. You're alone, a vampire, a person who takes and takes, and gives nothing back. You, my slutty little friend, have no attachments, no strings, just like you've always wanted. No love, no annoyances. This is both your heaven, and your hell."

Kenny was too shocked to tell him not to call him a fucking vampire. As much as he hated that shit, he hated the idea of spending eternity in this place more. This place was awful. It was just… empty. Even an empty room had walls to stare at and dimensions. This was just endless white nothingness.

"What can I do?" he asked. "I gave my life for Kyle. Doesn't that mean anything?"

"One second of selflessness cannot make up for a whole life of selfishness Kenny. Besides, you knew you would come back to life. That doesn't count at all. However, you do have hope. If you can get your thumb out of your own ass and look at somebody else for a change."

Mysterion held out his hand, and an image of Kyle appeared. It was the photograph of Kyle and Kenny clowning around on the bench. "Look at Kyle's eyes. You weren't looking at them then, but look at them now. What do you see in them? Tell me."

Kenny could see right away what Mysterion was talking about. Kyle's eyes showed nothing but love. A deep love that was so inexpressible that Kenny found himself floored by it. He'd never seen anyone with that look in their eyes before, at least not toward him.

"He really loves me," Kenny said.

"Now, tell me what you see in your own eyes. They are the window to your own soul."

When he looked at himself, he was instantly repulsed and ashamed. While Kyle had looked deeply in love with him, Kenny looked almost bored, as if he'd rather be somewhere else, with anyone else. He had taken Kyle for granted, had treated his love like a common thing, and had shattered his heart like a crystal goblet.

"Oh, God," he said, covering his face.

"If you want to avoid this place, the only thing that you can do is to form attachments. Your soul has no bonds to any other human being. If you allow yourself to love, to feel, this place will begin to form land. Then, it will begin to grow flowers. One by one, daisies, daffodils, and roses will populate this emptiness. Trees will shoot up like giant pillars, and sunlight will illuminate them. By loving without restraint, you will create your own garden of Eden. And all the people in your heart will be there. Your life, Kenny, is what you choose to make it. The emptiness in your soul is something only love can fill. Kyle, Kenny Junior, Bebe, Stan, Butters, Wendy, Red. You can still  _fix_ things. It's not too late."

"I will. I promise."

Slowly, Mysterion smiled. "I have one last thing to show you. I will show you true terror. A hell that you will experience if you ignore this one warning." The small boy held out his hands. "AWAKEN INTO HELL!" A force flew from his hands, slamming into Kenny like a freight train. In an instant, he was in his bedroom, very much alive.

He wasted no time. He leaped from his bed and ran outside. He immediately saw what Mysterion had meant when he'd told him he would awaken into hell. The sky was black as pitch, though it should have been morning. People were screaming and running in all directions. Many things were on fire, including the mountains. In the sky, Cthulhu flew, destroying anything he saw. On his back was Cartman. He could hear his shouts of delight even from way down on the ground.

"You son of a bitch!" Kenny cried. "We had a deal! I had one week!"

"Oh Kinny! You don't make a deal...with the devil." he snarled, his voice taking on a booming, demonic quality.

Kenny knew he had to find Kyle and the others that he cared about. He needed to find Bebe and Kenny Junior. He needed to find Stan and Butters. First on his list, though, was Kyle. He could not lose Kyle now. He would find him (or whomever he happened to run into first) and they would group together as they collected people and make a plan of some kind. He didn't know what that plan would be, but they had to do something.

It didn't take him long to reach Kyle's house, or what was left of it. It had been razed to the ground, as had many other houses on the street. He looked around for someone to tell him what the fuck happened to the Broflovskis, but there was no one. Everyone was gone.

"Oh, shit," he said. "What I wouldn't give to have some of those old friends of mine here now. All those people I pissed off. I'd even fucking take Mintberry Crunch right now."

Kenny looked around and his gaze fell on a small import car sitting by the side of the road. The driver's door was open, and in front of it was a small pile of ash. Whoever had owned this car obviously didn't need it anymore. He jumped in and took off, driving through the abandoned, burning streets like a madman. He zoomed in and out of neighborhoods, looking for any sign of life. Finally, when he was about to give up, he saw Stan and Butters running toward the Community Center.

"Hey!" he cried, throwing open the door. "Get the fuck in before he turns you into shitty Mongorian barbeque."

Stan turned toward Kenny, his eyes wide with fear. He was clutching Butters like a liferaft. "Kenny, Jesus Christ!" he yelled. They began to run toward him, but fire blasted out of the sky, and the boys screamed in agony as their skin melted, leaving only charred bones.

"STAN!" Kenny cried. "BUTTERS! FUCK!"

He had no time to mourn. He jumped back in the car and took off. He could hear Cartman on Cthulhu's back, gloating about how they'd turned them into  _real_ flaming faggots. He swore that if he could find some way to undo all of this, he would fucking kill Cartman, consequences be damned.

He drove toward the school, which seemed surprisingly intact. He pulled up out front. There were probably people hiding out inside. And they probably also had the doors chained shut. How to get to them?

Red, Wendy, and Bebe, Kenny Junior in her arms, were making the precarious climb down from a third story window nearby. Red leapt to a tree branch, and held out her hand for Wendy. She was half way on the branch when she slipped. Red tried to save her, but was pulled down with her. They both fell the full three stories, screaming all the way, and splattered against the ground.

"Bebe!" Kenny cried, looking up at her and his son. "Oh, my God! Don't move! I'm gonna find a way to get you down!"

"Kenny! Thank God, what the fuck is going on?! It's Armageddon!" she screamed.

"Bebe," Kenny shouted, "I want you to know something. I'm sorry I abandoned you and our child! I'm sorry I left you all alone. If we get through this, I promise you I'll take care of both of you!"

Bebe smiled, tears flooding her eyes. "I knew...I knew you could be changed! They didn't believe me! Sometimes even I couldn't believe it, but deep down, I knew! You're not a vampire! You're an angel!"

Kenny ran into the building (surprised as fuck that the doors weren't chained or barred) and up the stairs. He was past the first floor and on his way to the second when he found the path blocked by one of Cthulhu's minions. Mintberry Crunch was barely standing. Blood dripped from open gashes in his chest. One of his arms had been completely severed.

"Shabla...goo" he said, and he blasted the demon in Kenny's way to smithereens. He smiled at Kenny as his eyes glassed over, and he collapsed from blood loss.

"Bradley…" Kenny said sadly. "Shablagoo."

He ran his fingers over the boy's eyes, closing them, then left him behind as he ran up the stairs.

The third floor was even worse. Demons were everywhere. There must have been at least ten of them just in the hallway. He ducked out of sight and looked at them from the shadows. They were growling and snarling as they paced back and forth, their claws tapping on the tile. He picked up a piece of ceiling that had fallen nearby and threw it down the stairs. It shattered against the wall with a loud bang. The demons all turned and went running toward it. Who said demons were intelligent?

As soon as they were out of the way, he ran into the classroom he had seen Bebe dangling from. He saw the City Wok guy there, hiding under a desk.

"How the fuck did you even get here?"

"Fucking...Mongorians...burnin down mah shitty wok!"

Kenny ignored him and went to the window, where Bebe was still hanging on, but just barely.

"Hang on," he said. "I'm here to save you!"

No sooner had the words left his mouth than he was face to face with Cthulhu. It was standing on the ground outside now, its eyes level with the window. Cartman stood on its shoulder now, looking like the proudest of warriors. "Suck mah balls, Kinny." he whispered.

Cthulhu roared, and snatched Bebe and Kenny Junior from the windowsill. Bebe was torn in half and thrown back into the classroom. Cthulhu's gaping maw stunk of rotten flesh. Kenny Junior looked at Kenny, terrified. "Papa…" was all he could say, before Cthulhu tossed him down his throat.

"NO!" Kenny screamed. "NO! NO! NO! NOOO!"

He fell to his knees, weeping and crying and screaming that Cartman was a big fat fucking fat fuck of a fuck. He had nothing else to live for now. All his friends were dead, his son was being digested even as he knelt there, and he had no idea if Kyle was even still alive. Best to just let it eat him and be done with it.

"CARTMAN!" A feral scream erupted, and suddenly, Kyle, dressed as the Human Kite leapt from the roof of the school. He landed on top of Cartman, and began beating the everloving shit out of him on Cthulhu's gigantic shoulder. "I'll. Fucking. Kill. You!" he yelled, punctuating each word with a bone shattering punch.

"GAH! Get the fuck off me Jew!" Cartman screamed. "Cthulhu! Kill him! Make this one especially painful!"

"Kyle!" Kenny cried, overjoyed. "You're alive! Oh, thank God you're alive!"

Kyle stopped, turned toward Kenny and gave him a dazzling smile. His hold on Cartman loosened. "I love you...so much Kenny!"

"Kyle!" Kenny cried, feeling the tears well up in his eyes. He said the one thing then that he'd always told himself that he'd never say to anyone, man or woman: "I love you Kyle! I love you more than anyone! I'll find some way to fix this, I promise!"

Kyle was so flabbergasted that he couldn't think of what to do. He just stood there, smiling at him. Cartman seized this opportunity to kick Kyle square in the chest, knocking him off of Cthulhu's shoulder.

Kenny saw everything happen, but it all happened in what seemed like slow motion. He saw Kyle fly from Cthulhu, saw him tumbling, tumbling, tumbling. Then he saw Cthulhu's claw reach out and pluck him from the air. Kenny couldn't be sure, but it almost seemed like Cthulhu was smiling at him in the second before he tore Kyle in half and threw him in his mouth as casually as popcorn.

"KYYYYYLE!" Kenny screamed, feeling his sanity begin to slip. Everyone he had ever loved was now dead. There was no one. And as Cthulhu picked him up and he looked down the giant maw of the beast, he could only think of one last thing to say: "Cartman, you're a fucking dick."

As he went tumbling down Cthulhu's throat, accompanied by Cartman's maniacal laughter, he suddenly found himself back home in bed. He sat up with a scream and looked around. It was daylight outside and all the birds were singing. He ran his hands over his body, checking for any bite marks. It had all… been a dream? All of it?

He grabbed his pants off the floor and pulled out his cell phone. The date on the display was May 1, the day the whole thing had started. It  _had_ all been a dream. That meant that it wasn't too late to make things right.

He dialed Kyle's number first.

Three rings passed by, just as before. Just as before, Kyle sounded lifeless. "Hey...it's been a while. Three months?"

"Seems like longer to me," Kenny said, cradling the phone like a baby and crying. "Would it mean anything to you if I told you how deeply sorry I am?"

"Is that an apology? You never apologize. What are you calling about? And...why are you crying?" Kyle asked.

"I just…" Kenny said, trying not to make his tears of joy too loud. "I just want you to know how sorry I am for the way we ended things. I want you to know, I realize now how much I love you, Kyle. I sincerely… love you. Forgive me for being an asshole and a moron?"

Kyle didn't say anything for several seconds. "Kenny...what happened to 'I don't like guys?' Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic...but why all the sudden? This isn't making any sense."

"I'll tell you all about it later," Kenny told him. "It was an amazing experience. I promise I'll tell you everything. Want to meet at the coffee house this afternoon?"

"Hmm...I don't know why, but I don't feel like going to Tweek Bros is a good idea. Can we...meet at Stark's Pond?" he asked.

"Oh, yes," Kenny said. Stark's Pond. The place he broke Kyle's heart. "I can't think of a more fitting place to reunite. Maybe we could hold hands and watch the sun set?"

Kyle smiled in spite of himself. "...That sounds beautiful, Kenny. I'd like that a lot."

After he and Kyle said their goodbyes, Kenny got dressed as quickly as he could and ran to the school. He had one more major mistake to correct. He would be able to fix this one with relative ease, but all of the girls he had used and abused over the years would not be so easy to pacify. It would take a long time to show people how much he'd changed. He ran to the debate room, not even stopping when Cartman tried to draw him into conversation. He said something about a bet, and Kenny yelled over his shoulder to take his bet and shove it up his fat ass.

Wendy's crying could be heard inside the debate room when Kenny knocked. Bebe answered the door. She blushed furiously, and then slammed the door in his face. "You still owe me child support asshole!" she yelled through the door. "Get the hell out of here!"

"I know I owe you child support!" Kenny yelled back, grinning in spite of himself. He was trying not to laugh. That wouldn't be taken too well, he knew, but he was so overjoyed that he wanted to laugh and dance and giggle like Butters. "I owe you so much more than I've given you. I promise I'll take care of you and Kenny Junior. Open the door, Bebe. I'm sorry."

Fumbling could be heard, as well as a soft "Shit" from Bebe. When she opened the door, her face was still flushed, and her eyes were beginning to water. "You...you really mean that? But...why? What the hell is up with you?"

"I had a crazy experience," Kenny said, grabbing her and kissing her cheek. "A life-changing experience. I swear to you, I'll explain it all to you soon. Man, I keep saying that to a lot of people."

Bebe rolled her eyes. "Oh God, please don't tell me you've started going to church."

"Vampires can't go to church," he said, with a smile and a twinkle in his eye. He tipped her a wink. As in his dream, a crowd was beginning to form around the door, but the attitude of the spectators was much different. "Listen, bottom line is, I want to provide for you and my son. I can't stand here and tell you that you and I will be together, because my heart belongs to another. What I can promise you is that I will be there to support and help raise him every step of the way."

Bebe was shocked, but she hugged him close to her breast. "Oh Kenny...whatever's happened to you...I don't know. But I'm so happy...Wait. Your heart belongs to someone else...who? You can't tell me you've actually fallen in  _love_ too."

"Head over heels," he said. "I'm a changed man…"

He saw Token emerge from the crowd.

"And Token…"

Token looked taken aback that he would even say his name.

"I know what I've done to all these girls and to Kyle is wrong. I know. I realize how lucky I am to have Kyle now."

Token looked Kenny right in the eyes. "It's Kyle, isn't it? You finally get it, Kenny."

"YES!" Kenny cried, looking toward the ceiling and doing a little twirl. "I LOVE KYLE!"

The crowd burst into thunderous applause.

Token smiled, and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You know...you're not a Vampire after all. I don't want to seem crass and make a joke about a stake, but whatever happened, I think we're all glad that you've come to terms with what you've done over the past couple years, and want to make amends. I, for one, am proud of you."

Kenny looked over and saw Cartman standing in the crowd. This time, though, he looked pissed as fuck. That made Kenny even happier.

* * *

Kyle stepped into the clearing next to the pond to see Kenny already sitting on the very same bench as three months before. This time, his eyes were vibrant and warm. They reminded Kyle of a time when he was small, when he was floating in the Pacific, waves gently lifting and lowering his tiny body. He could float in those eyes forever.

"...Hey dude."

"' _Hey dude?'_ " Kenny asked, with a smirk. "I call you and confess my undying love for you and you greet me with  _'Hey dude'_?"

He jumped up and grabbed Kyle in a bear hug.

"I'm so glad I have a second chance," he said.

Kyle smiled, and leaned in to kiss him. He ran his fingers through Kenny's long blond mop of hair. When they broke apart, Kyle was grinning like a madman. "You always had a second chance, Kenny. I was just waiting for you to take it."

That wasn't the second chance Kenny had been referring to, but he let it go. He led Kyle to the bench and they sat there, holding hands. After a moment, he put his arm over Kyle's shoulder and pulled him in close.

"I could tell you I love you a thousand times a day, every day for the rest of my life, and it wouldn't be nearly good enough," Kenny said.

Kyle was positively glowing, his eyes brimming with tears. "...Stupid," he said, and he kissed him again, just as the sun began to dip below the horizon and paint the sky red.

That night, Kyle and Kenny slept together on the narrow wooden bench next to the pond, curfew be damned. It was uncomfortable as fuck, and absolutely perfect at the same time. As Kenny drifted off to sleep in Kyle's arms, he was transported to a beautiful garden, where flowers had begun to bloom.


End file.
